Navsteva ve svate zemi

O to vice vyvolal ohlas nalez jeho versu v Pamatniku narodniho pisemnictvi. Objev byl dilem nahody. Student, ktery vedel o Cimrmanovi jen pramalo, se probiral milostnou poezii, kdyz narazil, jak tam stalo, na milostne verse Jary da Cimrmana. Byly vsak napsany pismem, ktere ocividne Mistrovi nepatri. Ve vysvetlivkach stoji poznamka nezname osoby, ktera verse zapsala: "Dostal jsem telefonickou zpravu od sveho kolegy, ze v Jarove chalupe v Liptakove nalezl Mistrovy verse. Bohuzel se na nich podepsal zub casu a zaznam je znacne poniceny. Zapsal jsem vse podle telefonatu a chybejici mista jsem doplnil velkymi pismeny." Ve zminem dokumentu je pak nasledujici basen:

Posvatna
Veru MOJI MAm rad,
MILOvana nadherna!

JdC

Kdyz jsem odjizdel na vyzkum do Jerusalema, loucil jsem se s vlasti podobne jako Komensky. Sel jsem se poklonit nasemu velikanu Jarovi da Cimrmanovi do jeho rodiste, kde jsem se v jeho domku vyse popsanou causu dozvedel.

Zde v Israeli, studuji casto v knihovne, ktera je v tzv. Armenske ctvrti. Na Jaru jsem nezapomnel. Z jeho zivotopisu jsem vsak vedel, ze ve Svate zemi nikdy nebyl, a tak jsem tu nic s nim spojeneho nehledal. Jake pak bylo moje prekvapeni, kdyz jsem po 4,5 letech studia v teto knihovne spatril ve stare knize navstev tento napis:

Posvatna MISTA
V JeruSALEME JSEm rad
PODIvana nadherna!

JdC

Uvedena fakta jsou tedy jasnym svedectvim o navsteve velikana ve svate zemi. Je to sice prekvapive zjisteni, nicmene nase literatura timto objevem prichazi o jeden ze svych nejvetsich klenotu. O milostnou basen Jaroslava Cimrmana.

Lumir Hanus - LUMIR@MD2.HUJI.AC.IL

[na obsah][na domovskou stranku Jary Cimrmana]

Uspech Cimrmanologickeho ustavu

a uspech Cimrmanologickeho ustavu akademie ved ceske republiky v Praze, nelze nez nepovazovat radostnou udalost, ktera se odehrala 1. ledna 1993. Jeji realizaci predchazela mnohaleta korespondence, nezmerna mravenci historicka prace a par vyhruznych telefonatu. Pracovnici zmineneho ustavu, spolu s obetavou pomoci dnesniho Ustavu pro jazyk cesky akademie ved ceske republiky, dosahli toho, ze v tento den bylo zruseno dosud pouzivane oznaceni motorovych vozidel CS (CIMRMAN'S STATE). Jako platne bylo na zaklade doporuceni Cimrmanologickeho ustavu akademie ved ceske republiky prijato oznaceni CZ (CIMRMANOVA ZEM). Taktez hlavni domena pocitacove site Internet, byla zmenena z CS na CZ. Pracovnici vyse uvedenych ustavu a vubec vsichni (od drobnych uredniku az po pyrotechniky), kdo se na cele akci podileli, zapsali se zlatym perem do knihy historie.

[na obsah][na domovskou stranku Jary Cimrmana]

Jara Cimrman lyzujici

Tohle jsou vsak pouze kratke epizody z Mistrova lyzarskeho zivota, protoze predpokladam, ze mnohem intenzivneji se otazkam treni na pjerknach venoval v okoli Jestedu. Ale o tom by mohli vedet nasi liberecti kolegove.

Petr Mrazek - P.MRAZEK@ZLIN.VUTBR.CZ

Jelikoz mam k Liberci pomerne blizko (asi tak 35 km) a jelikoz mam s 'liberecti kolegove' nejake kontakty a taky vzhledem k tomu, ze jsem tam stravil sva stredoskolska studia, jsem pocitil potrebu se k tomuto vyjadrit. Co se tyce samotnych 'pjerken' a Mistrovy diskuse s onim popem, dalo by se diskutovat o tom, co Mistr pocitil, kdyz uslysel slovo 'pop'. Kdyz si totiz vzpomenete na dobu nedavno minulou, za c.&k. rakouske monarchie ono sluvko oznacovalo cosi jineho v cestine a neco uplne jineho v rustine (pro ty, kdo nevedi, tak podle B. Hrabala a stryce Pepina pop vyrabi fa. Salamandr z Vidne a je to nejlepsi lepidlo). Ale abych moc neodbihal, nevim, jestli Mistr s onim popem nechtel svoje 'pjerkna' spise slepit, nez namazat.

Co se tyce jeho sportovnich aktivit v okoli Jestedu, tak zrejme budete prekvapeni. Po obsahlem navrhu moderni lanove drahy, ktery tehdejsi liberecka mestska rada ukvapene zamitla, se na Jestedskych planich objevil pry jenom dvakrat, neb pry zatrpkl a presunul svuj zajem na mista okolo Bedrichova a Harrachova, kde se venoval spolu s hrabetem Harrachem a take pry i s Rosslerem-Orovskym vyzkumu na bazi jakychsi dlouhych letu, ci co. Pripadni zajemci by se asi meli obratit na kronikare v uvedenych obcich, pripadne se podivat do zaznamu hrabete Harracha. Jeste k tem jeho dvema poslednim vystupum na Jestedu: Ten prvni se odehral na sjezdovce zvane dnes Plane (na druhe strane Jestedu nez LB) a dodnes je tam pry jakasi divne pokrivena borovice, ktera ma pry pripominat 1. svet. valku, ale podle poslednich zprav byla prave tato borovice v rannem mladi cilovou stanici Mistrovy predposledni Jestedske cesty. Co se tyce te posledni, tak ta se asi odehrala na sjezdovce dnes zvane Liberecka. V kronikach je psano, ze to byl asi meteorit, co se to prohnalo mestem. Cil se ruzni, nekdo rika, ze to byla LB. radnice, jini rikaji, ze se zastavil az v Lidovych sadech (kousek za ZOO), dalsi zase za cil oznacuji restauraci Savlovna. Jak vidno, o cili jeho posledni Jestedske cesty nelze podat pravdive a korektni informace.

Putik Jiri - XPUTIK@HWLAB.FELK.CVUT.CZ

[na obsah][na domovskou stranku Jary Cimrmana]

Cimrman v emigraci

Trochu svetla do teto vskutku choulostive zalezitosti vnesl az nasledujici rozhovor, jenz byl nalezen peclivym prohledavanim starych vytisku deniku The Wall Street Journal v knihovne americkeho Congressu. Krom jineho tento odhaluje i dalsi uchvatne skutecnosti.

Bylo nalezeno nasledujici:

Sobota 25.dubna 1925 - stejny den kdy Paul von Hindenburg vyhral nemecke volby nad socialistou Wilhelmem Marxem, byvalym kanclerem. (UPI) Na tiskove konferenci v salonku hotelu Walldorf Astoria se stretli reporteri tiskoveho koncernu Hearst s americkym vynalezcem, podnikatelem a geniem Jerry Zimmermannem. Toto verejne vystoupeni je vubec prvni, od doby kdy Zimmermann, tehdy znam jako Jara da Cimrman, zahadne zmizel u obce Liptakova, v tehdejsim Rakousko-Uhersku v roce 1914. Zimmermann neni v zadnem pribuzenske vztahu k Arthuru Zimmermanovi, ministru zahranici vychodniho Pruska, ani k Johannu Georgu, Ritter von Zimmermann, svycarskemu lekari a spisovateli.

Zimmermann sdelil novinarum, ze nyni pracuje s Tomasem Alva Edisonem, a svym novym asistentem Robertem Oppenheimerem, v Edisonove laboratori ve Fort Myers, Florida na projektu tepelne emise (Thermionic emission). V tomto oboru Zimmerman dosahl jiz nejednoho uspechu, z nichz nejslavnejsim je serie experimentu v roce 1919, kdy dle jeho vlastnich slov "in a laboratory of that envious bastard Ernest (Rutheford) I discovered that alpha-ray bombardments induced atomic transformation in atmospheric nitrogen, liberating hydrogen nuclei. This reversely established that alpha particles were doubly ionized helium ions by counting the number given off with a Geiger counter. This led to revolutionary conception of the atom as a miniature universe in which the mass is concentrated in the nucleus surrounded by planetary electrons. I applied this to the quantum theory and the concept of nuclear physics was born."

Na otazku reporteru, zda opravdu zalozil KSJdC (Komunistickou stranu Jary da Cimrmana), jak bylo nedavno zverejneno ve vychodoevropskem tisku, Jerry Zimmermann sdelil ze, "I never had anything to do with any socialist, communist or any other leftist political movement". Zimmermann, znam pro svou genialni schopnost rychle si osvojit cizi jazyky (anglictina je jiz sedmnactou reci, kterou tento lingvista mluvi) ve skutecnost briskne odvetil: "I ain't no fuckin' commie, dig it, yo media bozos?" - ale toto originalni prohlaseni bylo zmeneno na jiz vyseuvedene a vice publikovani vhodne.

Na nasledujici otazku, proc se tedy tyto zpravy v jeho rodne Bohemii vynorily, Zimmermann vysvetlil: "It's was just a hoax of commie newspapers, led by Dzerzinsky's student comrade Bohumil Smeral, simple class envy, they would do just about anything to put you down. They're justa fuckin' commies, they keep plotting and plotting... by the way - Karl Marx's grave is just another commie plot."

Bulvarni novinari rovnez vypatrali ze jednim z mnoha Zimmermannovych pratel je nadany kreslir, ktery se v soucasne dobe pokousi prorazit s filmy o jeho animovanych figurkach. Dle pana Zimmermanna kreslir byl tak uchvacen vypravovanim o ceske pohadkove figurce kocouru Mikesovi (dle originalu Josefa Lady), ze se rozhodl ozivit tuto figurku na filmovem platne. V zaru tvoriveho vyvoje sice byla puvodni kocka zmenena na mys a jmeno Mickesh bylo poamericteno na Mickey - ale ta puvodni ceska duse tam zustava. Dosud neprilis znamy kreslir se jmenuje Walter Disney. Zimmermenn, znamy rovnez jako genialni investicni poradce, mu prave doporucil, aby ze zisku za filmy koupil pozemky v miste zvanem Lake Buena Vista v blizkosti Orlanda, kudy Zimmermann projizdel na ceste do laboratore ve Fort Myers. Walter Disney prislibil tak uciniti.

Obr 1. Mysak Mickey, legenda animovaneho filmu, si svou dobrosrdecnosti koupil srdce divaku na celem svete. Neni se ani cemu divit. Vzdyt k jeho vzniku se Walt Disney nechal inspirovat Ladovym kocourem Mikesem.

Zaverem tiskove konference tento skromny genius dale reporterum sdelil: "Self-depreciation is a crime! The great trouble with many of us is that we do not believe enough in ourselves. We do not realize our power. Man was made to hold up his head and carry himself like a conqueror, not like a slave - as a success, not a failure - to assert his God-given birthright."

Tolik Wall Street Journal - sobota 25.dubna 1925

Ross Hedvicek - NAAFETEE@HOOKUP.NET

[na obsah][na domovskou stranku Jary Cimrmana]

K castici prones' jednou elektron:
"Smim dame nabidnouti rame."
"O ne," dela ona.
"Jenom neplette mi hlavu,
ja nalezam se v potencialove jame
a prislusi mi par diskretnich stavu.
Zivota meho urcil kdysi smer
vazeny pan Schrodinger."
Elektron chvili smutne stal,
pak odvlnil se zase dal.
Zasycel: "To je tedy podle,
jakoby nestacil ten Broglie."

"Ucebnice a pomucky musi byt predevsim NAZORNE. Nic nesmi zakum zustat zatajeno. Moderni skolni pomucka ma zakum ODHALIT i ty nejskrytejsi DETAILY."

1. Fantastic (biologie, anatomie)
2. Extaze (biologie, anatomie)
3. Leo (biologie, anatomie)
4. Karel se jiz neboji pocitacu (vypocetni technika)
5. Playboy (biologie, anatomie)
6. Svet cisel atomu a molekul (fyzika, matematika, chemie)
7. Anatomie zeme (geologie, geografie)
8. Stroje kolem nas (mechanika, technika)
9. a dale...

Obr 2. Jan Amos Komensky - ucitel narodu - polozil zaklady moderni didaktiky, jenz se Cimrman snazil aplikovat celou svou ucitelskou karieru. Ridime se vsak dnes stale jejich odkazem?

Dosud prezivajici, vseobecne vzity nazor o technickem zajmu chlapcu, je absolutni nesmysl.

                             Chlapci:      Divky:

biologie, anatomie             96%           3%
vypocetni technika              1%          23%
fyzika, matematika, chemie      0%          14%
geologie, geografie           2.5%          17%
mechanika, technika           0.5%          46%

Uvedena cisla zcela jasne dokazuji, silny zajem divek o technicke obory, zatimco chlapci davaji prednost spise prirode. O technicke smery chlapci v zadnem pripade zajem nejevi.

Profesionalni nasazeni muzu a zen je vsak zcela opacne. Sila spolecenskych konvenci zrejme udelala sve. Kosmonautky jsou zrnkem v pousti a ridicek tramvaji taktez neni mnoho. Pokud se vsak objevena fakta dostanou vice do povedomi verejnosti muzeme se tesit na takova zajimava povolani jako: opravarka televizoru, mechanicka, vynalezkyne, taxikarka, zednice, topicka, namorni kapitanka, velitelka ponorky ci dispecerka jaderne elektrarny.

Pokud se tak skutecne stane, a je to mym nevyslovnym pranim, svet kolem nas bude dozajista pestrejsi a zajimavejsi. V takovem svete si nebudeme jisti zitrka ba ani hodin nasledujicich. Kez by se toho dozil Mistr - Jara da Cimrman.

iVosH LUkAcoViC - XLUKACOV@HWLAB.FELK.CVUT.CZ

[na obsah][na domovskou stranku Jary Cimrmana]

Leonardo da VINCI - Jara da CIMRMAN

But that's only the beginning. We have also found that Cimrman's great...grandmother was none other than the famous Mona Lisa (originally spelled Monna Lisa). This almost lost genealogical link finally explains one of the biggest puzzles of Cimrman's biography: Where did the Master's famous "enigmatic smile" come from? By visiting the Louvre Museum in Paris a reader can now see for himself where indeed Cimrman's "zahadny usmev" (as it is called in Czech) came from. There exist numerous records of instances when people enchanted by Cimrman's smile came spontaneously to him and cordially shook hands with him or at least patted him on the shoulders (and sometimes on the head). In Prague's police archives we even found the following entry:"A citizen Cimrman Jarda (an obvious misprint of an investigating officer), while walking on the Narodni Street, was robbed by a pickpocket who, upon being smiled upon, returned a stolen watch and a golden chain to the said citizen. After 8-10 minutes of additional smiling he gave the citizen Cimrman all of his loot (an equivalent of today's $11.38) plus his brand new tweed jacket." Such was the power of Jara's enigmatic smile. It is needless to say that Cimrman used the abovementioned money to improve his automatic Pocket Alarm System.

Another person who had first hand experience with Cimrman's enigmatic smile was Jan Pospisil, the mayor of the town of Hradec Kralove, who traveled with Cimrman on the same train in the summer of 1908. Cimrman was (according to Pospisil's memoirs) seated in the same compartment and smiled at him without any interruption for 3 hours. That eventually prodded Pospisil to comment to his neighbor "Co na me ten blbec furt cumi jako blbec?" ("Why is that moron staring at me like a moron?"). After Cimrman refused to change his facial expression, Pospisil left the compartement and locked himself in the bathroom. We are not going to pursue this line of investigation, however, and will return to the origins of Cimrman's genealogy. We will first direct our attention to Florence where Leonardo da Vinci lived and worked in 1503-1506.

The Florentine Republic commissioned Leonardo to execute a large fresco of the battle of Anghiari for one of the walls in the Palazzo della Signioria, which took most of Leonardo's time during that period. It is clear that work on such a prominent job made Leonardo acquainted with Florentine's elite society. Soon he enamored many women who, not having much to do anyway, were naturally attracted to the fierce and inspiring presence of a genius. Among them was the beautiful wife of a merchant Francesco del Giocondo, Mona Lisa. The history of her famous portrait is well-known. Perhaps less well- known is the fact that Leonardo and Lisa had a clandestine and passionate affair in 1504-1505, when Francesco del Giocondo was out of town on a long-term journey connected with his trade. At that time, Leonardo's amazing fertility brought an unexpected fruit in the form of Lisa's (not quite wanted) pregnancy. By pretending to be ill, she managed to hide her state from the world and on October 28th, 1505, secretly gave birth to a boy named Pietro Luciano.

Fig 3. Mona Lisa. Taking into account the fact, that children often take after their parents, this might be the closest approximation to Cimrman's face we'll ever get.

Needless to say, young Pietro Luciano was raised in a foster family and saw his father only rarely and indeed discreetly. When Pietro reached the age of 11, Leonardo came to the conclusion that boy's further presence in Italy was undesirable and he used his influence with Giuliano dei Medici (the brother of Pope Leo X) to send Pietro to a private school in France and later to a famous sculpture workshop in Bristol. And there, on the border of England, the young man bumped into a rather obnoxious immigration clerk and the following conversation took place.

CLERK: May I see your papers, Sir?
PIETRO: Here.
CLERK: I see. Your name is da Vinci, is it not?
PIETRO: Yes, it is.
CLERK: But you must write here MR.
(pointing vaguely somewhere in the immigration form)
PIETRO: (puzzled) What for?
CLERK: So that everybody knows, that you are a MAN.

Well, Pietro didn't want to have any troubles with the immigration office (a wise move even these days) and played it safe by writing "Pietro Luciano da Vinci, Mr., Man" into the blank for his name. The reckless clerk then copied the name from the form onto the official documents, where it read "Pietro Luciano da Vincimrman". Pietro noticed the error immediately, but having in mind father's incognito, decided to keep the new name.

After Leonardo died (1519), Pietro chose not to return to Italy and settled down in Bristol. He married the daughter of one of his teachers and, over the years, his family became one of the most respectable and honorable families in Bristol. Moreover, due to Leonardo's genes which were carried from generation to generation, many of its members became famous for their advances in either a scientific or an artistic field. To name only a few, let us mention Pietro's son, a sculptor Lodovico da Vincimrman, who greatly perfected the techniques of large scale sculpting (see the Appendix 1) and later Kevin da Vincimrman (an assistant to James Watt), who became quite instrumental in the development of the famous "steam engine" in the 1760s (see Appendix 2). Among the famous women in the Vincimrman family we must highlight two: Anne-Marie, a distinguished professor of anatomy at the University of Bristol (see Appendix 3) and Lisa-Marie, a famous sopranist in the Church choir, who was the only person in the world who could sing "Rule Britannia" backwards, while holding a piece of cheese on tip of her tongue. Finally, we want to mention a botanist Peter da Vincimrman (1778-1841), whose nephew Charles da Rwincimrman (sometimes also shortened to da Rwin or simply Darwin) revolutionized biology by introducing evolution.

Another reason why we have singled Peter out of the host of the famous Vincimrmans is that, in the spring of 1799, he was offered a scientific position at the botanical garden in Prague. Owing to this offer, part of the Vincimrman family had to relocate for the first time in nearly 300 years. Shortly after his arrival in Prague, Peter realized that the name da Vincimrman is too long for the complicated Czech grammar (for example its 6th case was da Vincimrmanovi) and he changed it to merely Cimrman, which resembled a German name "Zimmerman" (quite common in Austria-Hungary then). Peter hoped that this change would facilitate the assimilation of his family in the new environment. It did, indeed; for instance his son Carl da Cimrman (Jara's great grandfather) became quite popular with local barflies under the nickname "Bublavy Karel" (Bubbly Carl), which probably referred to his funny Anglo-Saxon accent. From then on, the history of Cimrman's family is well-documented elsewhere and we won't pursue it any further. It was our aim in this paper to establish the direct link between Leonardo and Jara and we hope that this has been acomplished. A sceptic reader is welcome to browse in the Office of Public Records in Florence, Bristol and Prague, where most of our research was conducted.

Appendix 1. Besides being a first rate sculptor, Lodovico da Vincimrman was an addictive domino player. After he mastered the techniques of large stone handling, he conceived the idea of building a huge Domino Memorial, which would forever celebrate the pleasures of his favorite game. He picked the cheapest site in England, called Stonehenge, and spent over 23 years building one of the most fascinating domino tributes of all time. Piece by piece, he arranged large rocks to resemble his favorite configuration. Due to the robustness of his sculpting, the ruins of the Stonehenge Monument still exist and attract many tourists who visit England. Unfortunately, none of the experts could believe that this masterpiece of monolith sculpting could originate in the 16th century and its origins were placed to 1400-1600 BC. That, of course, was equally ridiculous but, being farther away in the history, it was more difficult to argue with. To make the farce complete the archaelogists proclaimed that the site served as a primitive astronomic observatory for barbaric tribes inhabiting the British Isles at that time and this remained the official version of the Stonehenge origin up to now. (Yeah, right. Like folks around 1500 BC gave a damn about the position of Alpha Centauri.)

Fig 4. Besides being a first rate sculptor, Lodovico da Vincimrman was an addictive domino player. After he mastered the techniques of large stone handling, he conceived the idea of building a huge Domino Memorial, which would forever celebrate the pleasures of his favorite game.

Appendix 3: Professor Anne-Marie da Vincimrman was a first female professor of anatomy in England. As a matter of fact, to obtain her degree, she had to be dressed as a man because women at that time were not permitted to obtain higher education. Such humiliation at her graduation left a deep imprint on her personality and she probably became a first recorded feminist. Thus it is not surprising that she devoted a considerable part of her time to the fight for women's rights in England. Besides writing her 83 volume treatise "The role of women in the history of England", she improved many medical techniques, started a campaign which resulted in the abolition of chastity belts and promoted a thorough study of the differences between male and female anatomy. She was also the author of a lovely booklet "How to panic while swimming". Last but not least, Anne-Marie facilitated women's practical life by inventing a bra. The legend has it that she was inspired to this by walking behind her husband, who was carrying a backpack full of apples during one of their hiking trips. It is really difficult to overemphasize how much the science of England owes to an apple.

September 1995

Jan Rehacek - JREHACEK@MATH.GATECH.EDU

[na obsah][na domovskou stranku Jary Cimrmana]
[contens of English version][WWW page of Jara Cimrman. English version]

Pocatky kosmonautiky

Tak zni slova Jana Nerudy ve sbirce Pisne kosmicke. Jako by to byl prave on, kdo vytusil, ze prvni krucky kosmonautiky udela clovek prave v Cechach. A nebyl to nikdo jiny, nez Jara Cimrman, kdo pred hostincem U Zvonu uskutecnil prvni raketovy let cloveka v historii. A nejenom to. Copak jeho poznamka: "Tu kravu (myslena je domovnice Horakova) bych vystrelil do vesmiru," neni inspiraci pro rusky kosmicky program, jenz jako prvniho kosmonauta pouzil psa Lajku? A co Apollo? Kdo je iniciatorem teto aktivity? Julius Verne ci Cimrman, ktery o jistem urednikovi tehdejsiho mocnarstvi prohlasil, ze by ho nejradeji poslal na Mesic. Jak to vsak vsechno zacalo:

Na jare roku 1902 se Cimrman pri sve ceste Ruskem ocitl na palube parniku Katarina, jenz ho mel po rece Moskve dopravit do nejvetsi metropole carskeho Ruska. Financne neprilis silny Cimrman si musel zakoupit listek 3 kategorie, a Mistr ocitnuv se ve spolecnosti sezonnich delniku a drevorubcu, se pustil do cinorode prace na slovniku Ruskych nadavek. Okolni krajina, rovna jako placka, neposkytovala dostatecne zajimave panorama pro rozptyl a tak se kazdy pasazer bavil jak dovedl. K oblibenym zabavam patrila zejmena hra nardy, obdoba u nas zname hry vrhcaby. Ucelem hry je presunout vsech deset kamenu na druhou stranu hraciho pole drive nez to udela souper. Dale pak hra v kostky, kde vyhrava ten, jenz hodi nejvyssi pocet ok. Zdaleka nejrozsirenejsi hrou na lodi vsak byla takzvana vodka. Neni se cemu divit. Pravidla teto hry pro libovolny pocet hracu, jsou totiz vubec nejjednodussi. Cimrman, ktery se ihned se svymi spolucestujicimi spratelil, navic zjistil, ze tuto hru muze uspesne hrat i pres jeho mensi jazykovy deficit. Hra se mu natolik zalibila, ze ji pri sve zpatecni ceste do vlasti rozsiril na Ukrajinu, Slovensko, Moravu a do Cech. Cinorodi Ukrajinci si hru razem oblibili, podobne jako Slovaci, kteri navic vyvinuli nektere jeji modifikace. Napriklad: borovicka, cersnovica, hruskovica, visnovica, jablkovica, merunkovica ci vubec nejpopularnejsi varianta hry - slivovica.

Obr 5. Na zacatku byla nevinna hra prostych drevorubcu z Ruska, kteri se znudeni plavbou na parniku Katarina bavili tim, ze si navzajem zapalovali vlastni plyny. Lodni strava, sestavajici prevazne z hrachu ci fazoli, jim k tomuto druhu zabavy poskytovala dostatcne mnozstvi prilezitosti. Prihlizejici Cimrman si povsiml skutecne kvalitniho plamene a zahy po svem navratu do vlasti zkonstruoval takto pohaneny autogen. Kdo vsak jen mohl tusit, ze o nekolik desitek let pozdeji se prave tento princip stane zakladem pro kosmicke lety cloveka do vesmiru.

Vratme se vsak na plavidlo Katarina, kde prave Cimrman vyleza na horni palubu, prilakan huronskym smichem skupiny drevorubcu. Tridenni konzumace lustenin z lodni kuchyne udelala sve a tak se stal Mistr svedkem nevsedni podivane. Predklonivsimu delnikovi, byla u zadnice pridrzena svicka. Okoli se pak bavilo modre zbarvenym plamenem, jenz zminenemu akterovi vyslehl z utrob. Pro fyzikalne vzdelaneho Cimrmana vsak byla zminena scena znacne inspirativni. Z uvah o praktickem vyuziti tohoto jevu, ho vsak vyrusil lepe vyhlizejici pan s cvikrem, ktery pocinani drevorubcu taktez se zapalem sledoval.
"Vy inastranec, da?," otazal se Mistra.
"Da," odvetil Cimrman.
"I otkuda vy?"
"Z Pragy."
"O. Choroso. Praga jest navjerno krasivij gorod. No i kakoje vase imja?"
"Moje imja jest Jara da..."
"Da. Jara," prerusil ho pan s cvikrem. "Choroso."
"Net prosto Jara. Ja nazivajus Jara da..."
"Da, da. Ja panimaju choroso. Vy nazivajetes Jara." Obradne se pak upravil a vaznym hlasem se predstavil sam: "Moje imja jest Konstantin Eduardovic CIOLKOVSKIJ."

Ihned po svem navratu do vlasti se Cimrman pustil do pilne prace. Vynalez lusteninou (rozumej lusteninou zpracovanou travicim traktem) pohaneneho autogenu, byl pro vynalezce jeho formatu, detskou hrackou. Pocet vykradenych pokladen, ktery v te dobe znacne vzrostl, byl dukazem skutecne funkcnosti tohoto zarizeni. Zpusobil vsak zakaz vyroby, a tim i celosvetove rozsireni, uvedeneho nastroje. "Je to nespravedlive," zapsal si v te dobe Cimrman do deniku. "Co maji vezni cely rok k jidlu neni nic nez hrach a hrach a zase jenom hrach. Neni se tedy co divit, ze kasari ihned po propusteni sahaji po mem prenosnem, praktickem skladacim autogenu, ktery je navic cenove tak dostupny." Po nekolikamesicni korespondenci se zodpovednymi ciniteli Cimrman konecne dosahl sveho. Vezenska strava byla narizenim prislusneho ministerstva zmenena. Hrach byl ve zminenych zarizenich zakazan prikazem cislo 8673, a na jeho miste se objevila strava jina.

Fazole.

"Skutecni umelci," zni Mistruv komentar. "Je videt, ze princip meho vynalezu nepochopili. To jim mohou rovnou pri odchodu z veznice rozdavat od tech kacen (rozumej nedobytnych pokladen) klice." Lusteninou pohaneny autogen byl vsak na kratkou chvili opet uveden do vyroby, ovsem jen do te doby nez se na prvnich strankach novin objevila zprava o vykradeni, do te doby nevyloupitelne pokladny s dvanact centimetru silnymi ocelovymi stenami. Cimrmanuv lusteninou pohaneny autogen byl zakazan definitivne.

Ackoliv v tomto smeru spoutan legislativou Mistr neustal v nove vzniklem oboru. Natolik ho zaujala moznost vyuziti dosud tak neprobadaneho zdroje energie. Jako testovaci objekt mu nezbyvalo nez vyuzit svuj vlastni travici trakt. Jen tak mimochodem, pocatek noveho vedniho oboru fartologie, ktery Mistr zalozil, se datuje nekam sem. Cimrman zkousel ruzne pomery lustenin, cibule a vajicek, aby dosahl co nejlepsich vysledku. Dosahoval pokroku. Z tohoto obdobi nam chybi vypovedi jeho pratel, kteri s nim prerusili veskere kontakty. Ze stejneho duvodu Mistr stridal i podnajmy, az do te doby nez ho ubytoval Jan Borman, flegmaticky krmic opic v Prazskem zverinci (obdoba dnesniho ZOO). Borman byl Cimrmanovi vdecny. Zvykl si na zapach do te miry, ze jiz po mesici mohl nastoupit jako lepe placeny krmic tchoru.

Obr 6. Zatimco Ciolkovskij se pohyboval ve fazi teoretickych priprav, Cimrman mel jiz experimentalne vyzkousene slozeni pohonne smesi pro svuj prvni raketovy let.

Zakon zachovani hybnosti. Zcela zbytecne ctenarum pripomenu matematickou formulaci tohoto:

m1 * v1 = m2 * v2

Pro zvidaveho ctenare otiskujeme Cimrmanovu univerzalni rychlostni stupnici:

Rychlost:

1. C.K Rakouskych uredniku
2. Velmi pomala
3. Pomala (pro srovnani napr hlemyzd)
4. Normalni
5. Pivni (tedy kdyz jdeme na pivo)
6. Rychla
7. Velmi rychla
8. Zvuku
9. Kriku domovnice Horakove
10. Prvni kosmicka rychlost (nutna pro prekonani gravitace zemske)
11. Druha kosmicka rychlost
12. Svetla
13. Meho mysleni

Prvni raketovy let cloveka se vsak uskutecnil tak nenadale, ze az samotneho Cimrmana zaskocil.

iVosH LUkAcoViC - XLUKACOV@HWLAB.FELK.CVUT.CZ

[na obsah][na domovskou stranku Jary Cimrmana]

Jerry Zimmerman*--Father of the Blues

Upon his arrival, he found that the Caucasian inhabitants, by long tradition, would not deign to converse with (nor, indeed, marry) anyone not their cousins. Most of the performers were singing lame cover versions of Pat Boone songs. The soporific effect of this tune-age prevented the effective marketing of beer, or indeed any caffeineless beverage. Jerry quickly recognized the musical tastes of his new friends as the source of his difficulties, and swung into action.

Drawing on the folksong settings of Bela Bartok he quickly developed a new musical form, the "Bela's," which the natives, unaccustomed to the pronunciation of Slavic tongues, shortened to the "Blues". He quickly taught one of the local musicians, Robert Johnson, the entirety of his ouvre. Unfortunately, Robert's grasp of Czech was no better than his peers, and the result was a powerful musical genre with nonsense words. (What, for example, is a Terraplane Blues?) However, Jerry was accustomed to these problems (cf. "Jerry Zimmerman--Real Author of Lewis Carroll's Jabberwocky (forthcoming)). The end result was what mattered, and the end result was that the poor sharecroppers awoke from their torpor, developing a taste for blues and beer. Further, they discovered that being a black person in Mississipi really sucked, leading eventually to the civil rights movement.

** J.Z.'s undoubted attractiveness to women, particularly the young and the rustic, combined with his pursuit of this profession, gave rise to an entire genre of American humor.

*** The arrant stupidity, the tendency to have only four different great-grandparents, the staring, bug eyes, the giant, protuberant chins with the thin line of drool desceding down it . . . these honkies reminded J.Z. of someone. Someone famous. Someone like . . . The Habsburgs.

Chris Atkinson - CWA@PIPELINE.COM

[na obsah][na domovskou stranku Jary Cimrmana]
[contens of English version][WWW page of Jara Cimrman. English version]